I really wish I lived in Alabama

Since I started this blog, I've really wanted the central focus to be hip hop, but it hasn't really worked out that way thus far. I'm not sure what to account to that. Maybe I'm just not inspired to blog my opinions about who 50 cent is beefing with at the moment or which new indie album stinks. But then my homie Kags put me on to this video. I warn you, there's no way you will be able to change your life back to the state it was in before you watched this, so proceed with caution.




And there you have it....

I looked around the internets a bit and was able to find out that evidently this video was brought to the mainstream by sassy lesbian daytime talk show host Ellen Degeneres, but if you're one of the VERY FEW unlucky people who have to WORK when daytime TV is on, I figure you may have missed this.

I would say there's a very strong possibility this is long lost father of Detroit MC/Celebrity Fat Club contestant Bizzare,
BUT (and thats a very big but...actually, lemme remix that) BUT,
the man's ability to "rap" on beat (the TV dude, not Bizzare) makes me think there's probably no family relation.

Apparently, the man in the video, who I assume is the owner of this fabulous establishment, is named Sammy Stevens. Unfortunately, due more so to the current climate of hip hop than my own distrust, I'm going to have to address Mr.Stevens credibility as a hip hop artist. A huge underlying issue in hip hop today is MC's supposedly not living out their lyrics. I've even heard rumblings that Eminem really didn't kill his wife and that Nas isn't really a gun. I personally don't see the big deal, but it forces my hand into addressing Mr.Stevens's video. The Montgomery Flea Market is just like a mini mall? IS IT? To me, judging by your lyrics in the start of the song (living rooms! dinettes!!! OH YEA!) , and the images of your flea market, it doesn't seem anything like a mini mall at all! In fact it looks like a plain old furniture store to me! I really hope there isn't a tape floating around of Mr.Stevens conversing with some white people about how he's never even been to a mini mall. I also hope Benzino doesn't get a hold of this tape and publish it in Hip Hop Weekly.

But, lets not kill all hope. NO! This is a time for celebration! What I do hope is that one day I get to meet Sammy Stevens. After hours and hours of tireless research and looking at microfilm and swimming through a sea of card catalog's (36 seconds of google) I've learned that the Montgomery Flea Market is in Montgomery, Alabama.

This made me sad .
After hours and hours of tireless map reading and plotting (15 seconds on mapquest) I found out that its over a 16 hour drive from my mansion (not mansion) to the establishment.
SIGH
If anyone is down to take a few days off work to travel to Alabama during springtime to meet this guy, please holler at me. We can split the gas money. I'm assuming once Sammy Stevens sees the t shirts with his face on it, life size cutouts of him I've ordered, and bible I've re-written to include his name in place of Jesus, that he'll buy us dinner and let us crash either at his house or on one of the astonishing couches at the mini mall.

God bless you Sammy Stevens. Or should I say, Sammy Stevens bless us everyone.

Once you go Oprah.....

A few random thoughts about the superbowl.....

Weren't Superbowl ads heavily hyped up years ago? I remember being in my early teens ( and or right before that, I don't know. I've done a lot of drugs) , and always being irritated by some people (read women) who didn't give a crap about sports remotely, yet were insistent on being at a mega-huge Superbowl party (to annoy their husband I assume) proclaiming "I watch for the commercials more than I watch for the game! They're really good during the superbowl!
They spend LOTS of money on superbowl ads! Did you know that?"



Yea! So anyway, I'm guessing these bitches all stopped caring about the Superbowl completely by this point right? When I was 10 years old or so, I seem to recall flocking to school to argue with the other school children about which Superbowl commercial was the best out of all of them, and how we couldn't wait to get out of middle school and into the corporate world so we could earn enough cash to buy the products and thus give the company more money to spend on even more spectacular Superbowl advertising!

So, less than 15 hours later, the only one I remember at all, was the one with David Letterman talking about how after the game he was gonna bag Oprah Winfrey without a rubber.


Best part is, that was a commercial for a tv show ON CBS, so no exuberant amount of money was even spent to put it on (I also doubt they had to spend any money on getting Oprah do to the spot either, because lets face it, when you're going to be neck-deep in David Letterman spunk after the game anyway, what would you even need money for?)

Also, the people that love to hate Peyton Manning, are going to hate him even more now. Its like the guy raped some people's mothers I swear to god. I've never seen one player get so much wrath for reasons I can't figure out at all. At least when juggernauts like Michael Jordan or Derek Jeter were hated by fans of other teams, they had a bunch of championships to wave in peoples faces. All Manning has done (until yestarday) is a lot of commercials (and break QB records, but why give props for that? pfft).


To conclude, this blog was pretty uninspired and I'm really just bored. But superbowl blah blahblahblahblah.

The Kwame Brown Laws

I know this is old news to some of you, but I feel this story has gone way farther under the radar than it should. How this wasn't on the cover of every newspaper, spoofed on every late night talk show, and included in the state of the union address last week, I'll never understand.

You can read the original news blurb from espn.com here, but to make a bizzare story short, Kwame Brown (center for the L.A. Lakers, once drafted straight out of high school by some guy named Michael Jordan) ganked a man's 2 by 2 foot, 200 dollar birthday cake, and then THREW IT AT HIM. Can you say WTF? (not what the fuck, but whatever word WTF actually spells, can you pronounce that? if so, we gotta hang) This is by far the most odd story in the sports world since...since......uhhhh.....jesus christ, I'm not sure I even know. Actually, this is definately the most rediculous and logic defying story in the world of sports since the Mets won a world series. (zzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiingggggggggggggg!!!!!!)

The victim filed a police report the next day but no charges were brought against Brown.


Do you know what this means?

Its open season to start throwing desserts!!!!

THANK GOD!

I can't tell you the amount of times I've seen someone walk down the street with a cake, pie, box of cookies, some flan perhaps, or a Milky Way, and then gotten the UNCONTROLLABLE URGE to grab it and throw it at them.

But, lets be clear on the rules here. You can't just grab and throw someone's desert on them without reason. That'd be anarchy. So lemme break down the Kwame Brown laws.

• Rule #1 - It has to be the victims birthday. This way people no longer have the age old mega-pussy, hippie- ass excuse for not assaulting them. "Ohhh please don't throw my cake at me, its my birthday! Please sir, I'm only 7, I wanna eat my cake! :-(" HOGWASH!!! This will keep people more on their toes during their birthday events, which will eventually lead to less birthday-related mishaps and fatalities.
• Rule #2 - The dessert thrower cannot be a college graduate. I think the reasoning behind this is obvious. Who wants to throw dessert more than anyone? No, not Lutherans, but DOCTORS! Go to an emergency room late at night during the birthday season, and tell me you don't see person upon person there with dessert-inflicted injuries. We can't have doctors running around chucking pies at people to boost their business. Those money grubbing MD's have already gotten enough of our hard earned cash.
  
• Rule #3 - No cameras may be present. Who wants to get dessert guts on their cameras? Not me.
• Rule #4 - Your name must be Kwame. We can't have EVERYONE enjoying these loopholes. Just remember, if you run into ex-rapper turned just-under-the-radar producer Kwame, it'd help to be eating a Nutrigrain bar instead of Oreos. Thats all I'm sayin here.
  
  
  

So, there you have it. Happy tasty assaults for all!!!! (within the guidelines of the law, you fuckin fascists)