The Kwame Brown Laws

I know this is old news to some of you, but I feel this story has gone way farther under the radar than it should. How this wasn't on the cover of every newspaper, spoofed on every late night talk show, and included in the state of the union address last week, I'll never understand.

You can read the original news blurb from espn.com here, but to make a bizzare story short, Kwame Brown (center for the L.A. Lakers, once drafted straight out of high school by some guy named Michael Jordan) ganked a man's 2 by 2 foot, 200 dollar birthday cake, and then THREW IT AT HIM. Can you say WTF? (not what the fuck, but whatever word WTF actually spells, can you pronounce that? if so, we gotta hang) This is by far the most odd story in the sports world since...since......uhhhh.....jesus christ, I'm not sure I even know. Actually, this is definately the most rediculous and logic defying story in the world of sports since the Mets won a world series. (zzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiingggggggggggggg!!!!!!)

The victim filed a police report the next day but no charges were brought against Brown.


Do you know what this means?

Its open season to start throwing desserts!!!!

THANK GOD!

I can't tell you the amount of times I've seen someone walk down the street with a cake, pie, box of cookies, some flan perhaps, or a Milky Way, and then gotten the UNCONTROLLABLE URGE to grab it and throw it at them.

But, lets be clear on the rules here. You can't just grab and throw someone's desert on them without reason. That'd be anarchy. So lemme break down the Kwame Brown laws.

• Rule #1 - It has to be the victims birthday. This way people no longer have the age old mega-pussy, hippie- ass excuse for not assaulting them. "Ohhh please don't throw my cake at me, its my birthday! Please sir, I'm only 7, I wanna eat my cake! :-(" HOGWASH!!! This will keep people more on their toes during their birthday events, which will eventually lead to less birthday-related mishaps and fatalities.
• Rule #2 - The dessert thrower cannot be a college graduate. I think the reasoning behind this is obvious. Who wants to throw dessert more than anyone? No, not Lutherans, but DOCTORS! Go to an emergency room late at night during the birthday season, and tell me you don't see person upon person there with dessert-inflicted injuries. We can't have doctors running around chucking pies at people to boost their business. Those money grubbing MD's have already gotten enough of our hard earned cash.
  
• Rule #3 - No cameras may be present. Who wants to get dessert guts on their cameras? Not me.
• Rule #4 - Your name must be Kwame. We can't have EVERYONE enjoying these loopholes. Just remember, if you run into ex-rapper turned just-under-the-radar producer Kwame, it'd help to be eating a Nutrigrain bar instead of Oreos. Thats all I'm sayin here.
  
  
  

So, there you have it. Happy tasty assaults for all!!!! (within the guidelines of the law, you fuckin fascists)