You Could Be Lebron James If You Weren't So Damn Lazy!

“All men are created equal”. I heard that somewhere. I think its in the constitution or something. I can’t be bothered to check. Where it comes from is unimportant. I just wanted to make the point that this statement is complete and utter bullshit. And grammatically incorrect to boot. (equalLY it should say. Hey founding fathers- got a problem with adverbs???? Then you got a problem with me. SeriousLY)

A lot of smart people (namely conservatives trying to combat the idea that race still plays a factor in our country) will claim that if you work hard enough you can achieve ANYTHING!!!! If you put your mind to it, ANYTHING is possible!!!! Yea, well…explain this then smartypants:

Did u watch that? Ok good. Let me let you in on a little secret. From about the age of 13 till I was almost 18, I spent probably around 24 to 30 hours a week playing basketball in one form or another (when I say one form or another, I mean basketball in various forms: 21, full court, 1 on 1, etc. I do NOT mean I could change forms and play basketball in any of them. If I could shape shift, I’d do much cooler things than work on my fadeaway). Anyway, despite my efforts, I was still slower than a lot of people, and remarkably, not as tall. I don’t care how hard I worked, how hard YOU worked, how hard it is to work, or working with a hard hat, 99.999999999999% of you will NEVER EVER be able to do what happened in this video. Lets take it a step further: 99% of NBA players will never be able to do what is done in that video. Lets apply the logic of most conservative right wingers to this scenario: if Jarred Jeffries just worked harder than Lebron James, he’d lead the league in scoring too! I don’t buy it.

Sorry kids, you can’t accomplish anything you want to. Get that notion out of your head and your life will be much less disappointing. Some people find my tendency to embrace reality as opposed to optimism to be…well…depressing. I find it depressing most people are trapped in a cloud of an optimistic fantasy world where hip hop can make a difference, you can stop wars with protests, and Common can still rap. Toodle-oo!

The Chubi Report Report

Recently my brother, Zack, and his man-friend Eric have been having a debate that raged so intensely that drafting The Chubi Report was deemed necessary by Major League Baseball. My blog and my character as a person have been both broached in subject and attacked. This has forced me to write my retort on the subjects at hand, "The Chubi Report Report". (I'm not going to bother posting the Chubi Report or Eric's response to it, if you're THAT curious, e mail me at setherwrist@gmail.com and I'll send them to you. Also if you're that curious, seek help)

First off, lets break down the term Chubi. If you don't know what it means, look it up on urbandictionary.com. I personally do not use this term because I feel when used in written prose it can be easy mistaken for "chubby". So lets get that out of the way.

One of the primary issues at hand is Curt Schilling's right to express his opinion on his personal blog, and the validity of said opinions. My brother argued that Schilling's blog stating that if Roger Clemens used steroids, he should give back his Cy Young awards, are irresponsible since Schilling is a public figure. Eric argued that Curt Schilling isn't a jerk. Unfortunately, both my brother and Eric have gotten this issue as wrong as one possibly could without jailtime. Their ability to jumble and distort the facts is funny because they both have college degrees, while at the same time I was kicked out of college for academic reasons. It blows my mind that these two educated young men can be so misinformed within their poorly written opinions, while at the same time my diplomaless bearded ass, can rattle off thought out,elegantly phrased responses,that can be used as a litmus test for justice. Strange world.

Curt Schilling has every right to express his views on opinions on his blog. Weather they're about baseball, cooking, cats (NOT cooking cats, thats where I draw the line) or how to make ketchup look like blood on a sock, its his right to say whatever he wants. However, the notion that Roger Clemens should give back any awards is completely idiotic, unless of course Curt Schilling wants to give up his world series rings, when there is absolutely no doubt in my mind at LEAST ONE of his championship winning teammates on EACH team was using steroids or HGH. The Mitchell Report exposed 70 something or whatever people, by interviewing TWO witnesses! ONE trainer and ONE clubhouse attendant was the ENTIRE well of information. Thats like the police investigating a bank robbery by only talking to two of the eighty security guards on hand and then trying to say that a Yankee did it (fuck da po-lice). By examining the staggering amounts of information gathered by TWO people, we can safely assume that if they interviewed around half the trainers or clubhouse attendants in the MLB, that we probably could have concluded that at least 50-75% of professional baseball players were using banned substances.

If you're going to start stripping awards from Roger Clemens, you've got to investigate to the point where we know exactly who was juicing and who wasn't. This would take the rest of our lives and isn't really worth the time. If you're going to condemn Roger Clemens based on the Mitchell Reports findings, then you cannot ignore the rest of the Mitchell Report saying that this entire era of baseball is tainted, not just the players named. If you're gonna punish anyone or take away any awards, you're basically going to get to the point where not one player from the late 80's to early 2000's can claim any of their records, awards, titles, or statistics are completely legit. This is especially true in the case of Clemens. If theres anything we learned from the congressional hearings yesterday, its that there is no way they will be able to PROVE Roger Clemens took steroids. Did he? Probably. Did the vast majority of players from this era do the same? Probably. Did Derek Jeter? Of course not. Is Curt Schilling a jackass? I rest my case.

I do not want my admittance that Curt Schillings RIGHT to write his blog, to be confused with me saying Curt Schillings blog is in any way, shape, or form better than mine. While Curt Schilling is more famous than me, he is not more creative. He has more strikeouts, I have more CD sales and downloads. 216 career wins? Try 30,000 downloads in a 30 days, pal. 3.46 career ERA? Pfft. Whats that, your IQ?

Onto the next topic: Joe Buck. I think I've already made my opinion on Joe Buck pretty clear. The guy stinks. This is not only my opinion, but one that has been corroborated and shared with people spanning from Mike and the Mad Dog, a friend of mine who WORKS for Fox Broadcasting, to anyone who likes sports enough to the point where they don't want them ruined. Eric claims that since I don't know anything about broadcasting, I have no right to say Joe Buck stinks. I don't know where Eric is getting his facts from, but while I do not have broadcasting experience per say, I have hosted and performed at countless events and done a bang up job. While these are not the same, there are extensive and infinite parallels and common skills involved in announcing a baseball game, and hosting the New York stop on a tour for the biggest MC battle in the United States. I also have assisted many radio hosts at Rutgers University and been a guest as well. Its safe to say I have more experiences that are CLOSE to broadcasting than Eric does or ever will. By his own logic, my opinion on Joe Buck is more important than his. Case closed.

Case opened again. Eric also claims I am not a decent human being or a great role model. He should invest in a fact checker. I won't even bother getting into how wrong he is about the moral issues surrounding harmless marijuana use and the bullshit war on drugs, but I will address how great a role model I am. I live with a 2 and a half year old. Great roommate, but messy. He doesn't steal my food, but he does poop in his pants. Point being, when I have watched and helped raised this young man, not once has he started a fire, purchased a gun, joined a gang, or rooted for the Red Sox. My track record speaks for itself. Case once again closed.

I hope this helped you guys out a little bit. Please do not hesitate to let me know if you need me to tell you what to think again in the future.

Breaking News - Steve Kerr's Got Gigantic Balls

I'm a Phoenix Suns fan. I'm a bigger fanboy for the Suns than I am of any other sports franchise.

I am utterly confused.

Last night I attended the L.A. Meadowlands which is apparently the Lakers home court now (more on that later). On the drive home, I heard on WFAN that Shaq had been notified that he should be prepared to be relocated if a trade came up. My first reaction was "Pfft. Good luck". Then the report said that the Suns may have interest. My first reaction was "Please don't let this be what we end up trading for Marion." I put on ESPN when I got home. During NBA Fastbreak, Marc Stein came on and said Shaq was arranging for a flight to Phoenix for a physical the next day. It appeared as if this was actually going to happen pending a physical.

I instantly felt nauseous and couldn't sleep for a few hours. My (queesey) gut reaction to this deal was that it wreaks of a team bringing in an over the hill player in a move that will ultimately fail, a'la Mo Vaughn to the Mets, Kevin Brown to the Yankees, Roger Clemens last year, Chris Webber on the Sixers, Magic Johnson's attempt at a comeback when he was fat, Jordan on the Wizards, Scottie Pippen in Houston, Nique in Boston,....do I really need to go on?



I understand that Marion had to go. I don't understand how this was the best possible deal. I understand the idea that Shaq (in theory) could defend the paint, make outlet passes, draw in the defense to lead to more open 3 pointers, and allow Amare to move to the 4 where he should be more effective. I don't understand how Shaq will be able to do these things on a CHAMPIONSHIP level at this stage in his career. Theres a certain feeling of unsatisfying cheapness in this deal for a Suns fan. Shaq is one of the greatest players in NBA history. He's really the first and only MEGA star player that I've witnessed go from rookie, to champion, to over the hill in my lifetime being that I was too young to really witness Jordan's utmost beginnings. Its not everyday you get a chance to witness YOUR team bring in a player of that magnitude. For lots of people it doesn't happen during their entire lifetime of fanhood. But to bring Shaq to MY team at this stage in his career, is similar to getting to date the hottest chick from highschool, but when she's 40 and fat. I bet her vagina is ragged.

In an extremely out of character move, I will try to put a positive spin on this. Steve Kerr has some balls and I love it in a not gay way. Too many GM's in the NBA are balls-less, and not in the cool way that a chick has no balls either. These are honest to god dudes with no balls at all. If John Paxson shoved his balls in our face the way that Steve Kerr just did, the Bulls would have Pau Gasol right now, and the Lakers wouldn't have a stranglehold on the Suns' division (I'm scared). People thought Danny Ainge was crazy for teabagging everyone with his massive balls for years in Boston before he assembled the squad that's had the best record in the NBA this entire season. Look how great Danny Ainge's balls are now.

On the other hand, balls don't always do great things. Look at Isiah Thomas's balls for instance. You can smell them from any seat in The Garden.

My point is, the Suns have failed to get to the finals for 3 years with the Nash-Amare-Marion three headed monster. Thats 3 heads for 3 years with 0 conference championships. Steve Kerr saw this and decided to take action. I admire that. I probably would have done the same thing in NBA 2k (I traded Gerald Wallace after he hit a game 7 NBA title buzzer beater, I'm cold blooded). Also, GOOOOOODBYE MARCUS BANKS CONTRACT!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEE! Contractually, this works out great for the Suns in my opinion. In 2 years, after Shaq's contract is done, and Nash retires, we'll have a ton of cap room to sign pieces to go along with Diaw, Amare, and Barbosa (this trade will also benefit Boris Diaw's game I believe, which is great cuz he's French, so its crazy how he can smoke ciggerettes and still be a pro athlete). Suns are in good shape for the post-Nash era with this trade. I really do believe that. Its on the floor that I'm concerned, because Kerr is obviously hoping this will get them over the hump for the limited time he knows he has left with Nash.

Another positive, is apparently the Suns have super duper medical folks and physical trainers in the desert. Nash hasn't lost a step at 34 somehow and Grant Hill has only missed time because of his appendix as opposed to his ankles, legs, knees, arms, balls, whatever. If these miracle witch doctor magicians can get the most out of those 2 guys, I have to HOPE and PRAY that they can squeeze a 3rd of a season and a playoff run out of the diesel.


And by the way, fuck Shawn Marion. Being the highest payed player on a championship caliber team with the game's best set-up man, multiple all star appearances, and millions of adoring Suns fans wasn't enough eh? Goodbye. Have fun playing on the worst team in the league. I'm sure Dwayne Wade will let YOU be a first option on offense. Good luck with getting the ball from Ricky Davis. Maybe you and Joe Johnson can make out next time you play Atlanta.


Balls.

Joe Buck = Aids

Congratulations to the New York Giants!!!! They looked downright incredible and destiny bound while winning the super bowl in what is easily the biggest upset in sports during my lifetime. This year was actually the first year I followed the NFL attentively (mainly due to a need to educate myself to sustain my 1st place fantasy football team, sorry Zack) and I found myself rooting for the Giants most of the season as I do not have a favorite football team. I would have become an official fan this season, if not for the rule I made up which states one cannot pick a team as their favorite team until 3 years after their last championship. Failure to abide by this rule makes you a bandwagon jumper-onner, and as a Yankee fan I hate those (the first year I secretly root for the Giants to win it all, they do so. Dear die-hard-lifetime NY Giants fans - YOU'RE WELCOME) . Gloating aside, there is one thing I hate more than bandwagon fans. These thing is Joe Buck.

The biggest play of the game, and arguably super bowl history, was the combination of Eli Manning escaping 50 sacks, and then throwing the ball literally hundreds of inches down the field, and into the hands and head of David Tyree (who I'd never heard of before this game). This play will be replayed for about 50 years, and will inevitably attain a nickname before the end of this month. Some are calling it "The Great Escape", I prefer to call it "Even God Hates Bill Bellicheck". I'm sure most of you were cheering so insanely when this play happened that it drowned out the TV, to the point where you didn't even get the "privilege" of hearing Joe Buck call the play with the excitement and enthusiasm of calling a routine ground out by Tike Redman.

Why do you do these things Joe buck? To quote Michael Scott, "I hate so much about what you choose to be". Its common knowledge that Joe Buck may be the worst human being ever invented. Buck is as evil as Joba is handsome. My outrage resulting from his call of this play motivated me to do a little research on Joe Buck. What I found out is the following.

-Joe Buck UnFun Facts-

• he does not allow his children to play with toys, only jagged rocks and shards of glass
• the pungent stench that emanates from his face can be seen as a giant cloud from space
• the cloud is shaped like a middle finger
• he was once seen by a tourist making out with Mel Gibson's father at Auschwitz
  
• he skins puppies to make himself slippers, he also throws these slippers out after only one use, sometimes less
• he enjoys italian food, video games, and making people unhappy
  
• he doesn't recycle, instead he finds the nearest poor family with the cutest children and dumps his trash on their laps
• Bobby Knight once met Joe Buck, after meeting him, he told a close friend "that guy is a very unpleasant asshole"
  
• he once showed up at an elementary school production of "Oklahoma" wearing a t shirt that said "Cell Phones don't cause cancer, I cause cancer"
• he hates the Yankees
• Troy Aikman stated that during the super bowl, Buck asked him several times if he could use one of his super bowl rings as a cockring for his meeting with Dick Chaney later that night
• he doesn't believe Roger Clemens is innocent
  
• he doesn't wipe his butt
• he's the real murderer from the OJ case
• has supplied nuclear weapons to Syria, Iran and Microsoft
• he's a morning person
• Favorite movie - "Almost Heros"
• he personally claims responsibility for World War 1
• he doesn't think I'm all that great

There you have it.

this is a joke, don't sue me for libel, thanks