Breaking News - Steve Kerr's Got Gigantic Balls

I'm a Phoenix Suns fan. I'm a bigger fanboy for the Suns than I am of any other sports franchise.

I am utterly confused.

Last night I attended the L.A. Meadowlands which is apparently the Lakers home court now (more on that later). On the drive home, I heard on WFAN that Shaq had been notified that he should be prepared to be relocated if a trade came up. My first reaction was "Pfft. Good luck". Then the report said that the Suns may have interest. My first reaction was "Please don't let this be what we end up trading for Marion." I put on ESPN when I got home. During NBA Fastbreak, Marc Stein came on and said Shaq was arranging for a flight to Phoenix for a physical the next day. It appeared as if this was actually going to happen pending a physical.

I instantly felt nauseous and couldn't sleep for a few hours. My (queesey) gut reaction to this deal was that it wreaks of a team bringing in an over the hill player in a move that will ultimately fail, a'la Mo Vaughn to the Mets, Kevin Brown to the Yankees, Roger Clemens last year, Chris Webber on the Sixers, Magic Johnson's attempt at a comeback when he was fat, Jordan on the Wizards, Scottie Pippen in Houston, Nique in Boston,....do I really need to go on?



I understand that Marion had to go. I don't understand how this was the best possible deal. I understand the idea that Shaq (in theory) could defend the paint, make outlet passes, draw in the defense to lead to more open 3 pointers, and allow Amare to move to the 4 where he should be more effective. I don't understand how Shaq will be able to do these things on a CHAMPIONSHIP level at this stage in his career. Theres a certain feeling of unsatisfying cheapness in this deal for a Suns fan. Shaq is one of the greatest players in NBA history. He's really the first and only MEGA star player that I've witnessed go from rookie, to champion, to over the hill in my lifetime being that I was too young to really witness Jordan's utmost beginnings. Its not everyday you get a chance to witness YOUR team bring in a player of that magnitude. For lots of people it doesn't happen during their entire lifetime of fanhood. But to bring Shaq to MY team at this stage in his career, is similar to getting to date the hottest chick from highschool, but when she's 40 and fat. I bet her vagina is ragged.

In an extremely out of character move, I will try to put a positive spin on this. Steve Kerr has some balls and I love it in a not gay way. Too many GM's in the NBA are balls-less, and not in the cool way that a chick has no balls either. These are honest to god dudes with no balls at all. If John Paxson shoved his balls in our face the way that Steve Kerr just did, the Bulls would have Pau Gasol right now, and the Lakers wouldn't have a stranglehold on the Suns' division (I'm scared). People thought Danny Ainge was crazy for teabagging everyone with his massive balls for years in Boston before he assembled the squad that's had the best record in the NBA this entire season. Look how great Danny Ainge's balls are now.

On the other hand, balls don't always do great things. Look at Isiah Thomas's balls for instance. You can smell them from any seat in The Garden.

My point is, the Suns have failed to get to the finals for 3 years with the Nash-Amare-Marion three headed monster. Thats 3 heads for 3 years with 0 conference championships. Steve Kerr saw this and decided to take action. I admire that. I probably would have done the same thing in NBA 2k (I traded Gerald Wallace after he hit a game 7 NBA title buzzer beater, I'm cold blooded). Also, GOOOOOODBYE MARCUS BANKS CONTRACT!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEE! Contractually, this works out great for the Suns in my opinion. In 2 years, after Shaq's contract is done, and Nash retires, we'll have a ton of cap room to sign pieces to go along with Diaw, Amare, and Barbosa (this trade will also benefit Boris Diaw's game I believe, which is great cuz he's French, so its crazy how he can smoke ciggerettes and still be a pro athlete). Suns are in good shape for the post-Nash era with this trade. I really do believe that. Its on the floor that I'm concerned, because Kerr is obviously hoping this will get them over the hump for the limited time he knows he has left with Nash.

Another positive, is apparently the Suns have super duper medical folks and physical trainers in the desert. Nash hasn't lost a step at 34 somehow and Grant Hill has only missed time because of his appendix as opposed to his ankles, legs, knees, arms, balls, whatever. If these miracle witch doctor magicians can get the most out of those 2 guys, I have to HOPE and PRAY that they can squeeze a 3rd of a season and a playoff run out of the diesel.


And by the way, fuck Shawn Marion. Being the highest payed player on a championship caliber team with the game's best set-up man, multiple all star appearances, and millions of adoring Suns fans wasn't enough eh? Goodbye. Have fun playing on the worst team in the league. I'm sure Dwayne Wade will let YOU be a first option on offense. Good luck with getting the ball from Ricky Davis. Maybe you and Joe Johnson can make out next time you play Atlanta.


Balls.