The Chubi Report Report

Recently my brother, Zack, and his man-friend Eric have been having a debate that raged so intensely that drafting The Chubi Report was deemed necessary by Major League Baseball. My blog and my character as a person have been both broached in subject and attacked. This has forced me to write my retort on the subjects at hand, "The Chubi Report Report". (I'm not going to bother posting the Chubi Report or Eric's response to it, if you're THAT curious, e mail me at setherwrist@gmail.com and I'll send them to you. Also if you're that curious, seek help)

First off, lets break down the term Chubi. If you don't know what it means, look it up on urbandictionary.com. I personally do not use this term because I feel when used in written prose it can be easy mistaken for "chubby". So lets get that out of the way.

One of the primary issues at hand is Curt Schilling's right to express his opinion on his personal blog, and the validity of said opinions. My brother argued that Schilling's blog stating that if Roger Clemens used steroids, he should give back his Cy Young awards, are irresponsible since Schilling is a public figure. Eric argued that Curt Schilling isn't a jerk. Unfortunately, both my brother and Eric have gotten this issue as wrong as one possibly could without jailtime. Their ability to jumble and distort the facts is funny because they both have college degrees, while at the same time I was kicked out of college for academic reasons. It blows my mind that these two educated young men can be so misinformed within their poorly written opinions, while at the same time my diplomaless bearded ass, can rattle off thought out,elegantly phrased responses,that can be used as a litmus test for justice. Strange world.

Curt Schilling has every right to express his views on opinions on his blog. Weather they're about baseball, cooking, cats (NOT cooking cats, thats where I draw the line) or how to make ketchup look like blood on a sock, its his right to say whatever he wants. However, the notion that Roger Clemens should give back any awards is completely idiotic, unless of course Curt Schilling wants to give up his world series rings, when there is absolutely no doubt in my mind at LEAST ONE of his championship winning teammates on EACH team was using steroids or HGH. The Mitchell Report exposed 70 something or whatever people, by interviewing TWO witnesses! ONE trainer and ONE clubhouse attendant was the ENTIRE well of information. Thats like the police investigating a bank robbery by only talking to two of the eighty security guards on hand and then trying to say that a Yankee did it (fuck da po-lice). By examining the staggering amounts of information gathered by TWO people, we can safely assume that if they interviewed around half the trainers or clubhouse attendants in the MLB, that we probably could have concluded that at least 50-75% of professional baseball players were using banned substances.

If you're going to start stripping awards from Roger Clemens, you've got to investigate to the point where we know exactly who was juicing and who wasn't. This would take the rest of our lives and isn't really worth the time. If you're going to condemn Roger Clemens based on the Mitchell Reports findings, then you cannot ignore the rest of the Mitchell Report saying that this entire era of baseball is tainted, not just the players named. If you're gonna punish anyone or take away any awards, you're basically going to get to the point where not one player from the late 80's to early 2000's can claim any of their records, awards, titles, or statistics are completely legit. This is especially true in the case of Clemens. If theres anything we learned from the congressional hearings yesterday, its that there is no way they will be able to PROVE Roger Clemens took steroids. Did he? Probably. Did the vast majority of players from this era do the same? Probably. Did Derek Jeter? Of course not. Is Curt Schilling a jackass? I rest my case.

I do not want my admittance that Curt Schillings RIGHT to write his blog, to be confused with me saying Curt Schillings blog is in any way, shape, or form better than mine. While Curt Schilling is more famous than me, he is not more creative. He has more strikeouts, I have more CD sales and downloads. 216 career wins? Try 30,000 downloads in a 30 days, pal. 3.46 career ERA? Pfft. Whats that, your IQ?

Onto the next topic: Joe Buck. I think I've already made my opinion on Joe Buck pretty clear. The guy stinks. This is not only my opinion, but one that has been corroborated and shared with people spanning from Mike and the Mad Dog, a friend of mine who WORKS for Fox Broadcasting, to anyone who likes sports enough to the point where they don't want them ruined. Eric claims that since I don't know anything about broadcasting, I have no right to say Joe Buck stinks. I don't know where Eric is getting his facts from, but while I do not have broadcasting experience per say, I have hosted and performed at countless events and done a bang up job. While these are not the same, there are extensive and infinite parallels and common skills involved in announcing a baseball game, and hosting the New York stop on a tour for the biggest MC battle in the United States. I also have assisted many radio hosts at Rutgers University and been a guest as well. Its safe to say I have more experiences that are CLOSE to broadcasting than Eric does or ever will. By his own logic, my opinion on Joe Buck is more important than his. Case closed.

Case opened again. Eric also claims I am not a decent human being or a great role model. He should invest in a fact checker. I won't even bother getting into how wrong he is about the moral issues surrounding harmless marijuana use and the bullshit war on drugs, but I will address how great a role model I am. I live with a 2 and a half year old. Great roommate, but messy. He doesn't steal my food, but he does poop in his pants. Point being, when I have watched and helped raised this young man, not once has he started a fire, purchased a gun, joined a gang, or rooted for the Red Sox. My track record speaks for itself. Case once again closed.

I hope this helped you guys out a little bit. Please do not hesitate to let me know if you need me to tell you what to think again in the future.