You're All Whores

You Could Be Lebron James If You Weren't So Damn Lazy!

2008-03-03T12:14:00.000-08:00

“All men are created equal”. I heard that somewhere. I think its in the constitution or something. I can’t be bothered to check. Where it comes from is unimportant. I just wanted to make the point that this statement is complete and utter bullshit. And grammatically incorrect to boot. (equalLY it should say. Hey founding fathers- got a problem with adverbs???? Then you got a problem with me. SeriousLY)

A lot of smart people (namely conservatives trying to combat the idea that race still plays a factor in our country) will claim that if you work hard enough you can achieve ANYTHING!!!! If you put your mind to it, ANYTHING is possible!!!! Yea, well…explain this then smartypants:

Did u watch that? Ok good. Let me let you in on a little secret. From about the age of 13 till I was almost 18, I spent probably around 24 to 30 hours a week playing basketball in one form or another (when I say one form or another, I mean basketball in various forms: 21, full court, 1 on 1, etc. I do NOT mean I could change forms and play basketball in any of them. If I could shape shift, I’d do much cooler things than work on my fadeaway). Anyway, despite my efforts, I was still slower than a lot of people, and remarkably, not as tall. I don’t care how hard I worked, how hard YOU worked, how hard it is to work, or working with a hard hat, 99.999999999999% of you will NEVER EVER be able to do what happened in this video. Lets take it a step further: 99% of NBA players will never be able to do what is done in that video. Lets apply the logic of most conservative right wingers to this scenario: if Jarred Jeffries just worked harder than Lebron James, he’d lead the league in scoring too! I don’t buy it.

Sorry kids, you can’t accomplish anything you want to. Get that notion out of your head and your life will be much less disappointing. Some people find my tendency to embrace reality as opposed to optimism to be…well…depressing. I find it depressing most people are trapped in a cloud of an optimistic fantasy world where hip hop can make a difference, you can stop wars with protests, and Common can still rap. Toodle-oo!

The Chubi Report Report

2008-02-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

Recently my brother, Zack, and his man-friend Eric have been having a debate that raged so intensely that drafting The Chubi Report was deemed necessary by Major League Baseball. My blog and my character as a person have been both broached in subject and attacked. This has forced me to write my retort on the subjects at hand, "The Chubi Report Report". (I'm not going to bother posting the Chubi Report or Eric's response to it, if you're THAT curious, e mail me at setherwrist@gmail.com and I'll send them to you. Also if you're that curious, seek help)

First off, lets break down the term Chubi. If you don't know what it means, look it up on urbandictionary.com. I personally do not use this term because I feel when used in written prose it can be easy mistaken for "chubby". So lets get that out of the way.

One of the primary issues at hand is Curt Schilling's right to express his opinion on his personal blog, and the validity of said opinions. My brother argued that Schilling's blog stating that if Roger Clemens used steroids, he should give back his Cy Young awards, are irresponsible since Schilling is a public figure. Eric argued that Curt Schilling isn't a jerk. Unfortunately, both my brother and Eric have gotten this issue as wrong as one possibly could without jailtime. Their ability to jumble and distort the facts is funny because they both have college degrees, while at the same time I was kicked out of college for academic reasons. It blows my mind that these two educated young men can be so misinformed within their poorly written opinions, while at the same time my diplomaless bearded ass, can rattle off thought out,elegantly phrased responses,that can be used as a litmus test for justice. Strange world.

Curt Schilling has every right to express his views on opinions on his blog. Weather they're about baseball, cooking, cats (NOT cooking cats, thats where I draw the line) or how to make ketchup look like blood on a sock, its his right to say whatever he wants. However, the notion that Roger Clemens should give back any awards is completely idiotic, unless of course Curt Schilling wants to give up his world series rings, when there is absolutely no doubt in my mind at LEAST ONE of his championship winning teammates on EACH team was using steroids or HGH. The Mitchell Report exposed 70 something or whatever people, by interviewing TWO witnesses! ONE trainer and ONE clubhouse attendant was the ENTIRE well of information. Thats like the police investigating a bank robbery by only talking to two of the eighty security guards on hand and then trying to say that a Yankee did it (fuck da po-lice). By examining the staggering amounts of information gathered by TWO people, we can safely assume that if they interviewed around half the trainers or clubhouse attendants in the MLB, that we probably could have concluded that at least 50-75% of professional baseball players were using banned substances.

If you're going to start stripping awards from Roger Clemens, you've got to investigate to the point where we know exactly who was juicing and who wasn't. This would take the rest of our lives and isn't really worth the time. If you're going to condemn Roger Clemens based on the Mitchell Reports findings, then you cannot ignore the rest of the Mitchell Report saying that this entire era of baseball is tainted, not just the players named. If you're gonna punish anyone or take away any awards, you're basically going to get to the point where not one player from the late 80's to early 2000's can claim any of their records, awards, titles, or statistics are completely legit. This is especially true in the case of Clemens. If theres anything we learned from the congressional hearings yesterday, its that there is no way they will be able to PROVE Roger Clemens took steroids. Did he? Probably. Did the vast majority of players from this era do the same? Probably. Did Derek Jeter? Of course not. Is Curt Schilling a jackass? I rest my case.

I do not want my admittance that Curt Schillings RIGHT to write his blog, to be confused with me saying Curt Schillings blog is in any way, shape, or form better than mine. While Curt Schilling is more famous than me, he is not more creative. He has more strikeouts, I have more CD sales and downloads. 216 career wins? Try 30,000 downloads in a 30 days, pal. 3.46 career ERA? Pfft. Whats that, your IQ?

Onto the next topic: Joe Buck. I think I've already made my opinion on Joe Buck pretty clear. The guy stinks. This is not only my opinion, but one that has been corroborated and shared with people spanning from Mike and the Mad Dog, a friend of mine who WORKS for Fox Broadcasting, to anyone who likes sports enough to the point where they don't want them ruined. Eric claims that since I don't know anything about broadcasting, I have no right to say Joe Buck stinks. I don't know where Eric is getting his facts from, but while I do not have broadcasting experience per say, I have hosted and performed at countless events and done a bang up job. While these are not the same, there are extensive and infinite parallels and common skills involved in announcing a baseball game, and hosting the New York stop on a tour for the biggest MC battle in the United States. I also have assisted many radio hosts at Rutgers University and been a guest as well. Its safe to say I have more experiences that are CLOSE to broadcasting than Eric does or ever will. By his own logic, my opinion on Joe Buck is more important than his. Case closed.

Case opened again. Eric also claims I am not a decent human being or a great role model. He should invest in a fact checker. I won't even bother getting into how wrong he is about the moral issues surrounding harmless marijuana use and the bullshit war on drugs, but I will address how great a role model I am. I live with a 2 and a half year old. Great roommate, but messy. He doesn't steal my food, but he does poop in his pants. Point being, when I have watched and helped raised this young man, not once has he started a fire, purchased a gun, joined a gang, or rooted for the Red Sox. My track record speaks for itself. Case once again closed.

I hope this helped you guys out a little bit. Please do not hesitate to let me know if you need me to tell you what to think again in the future.

Breaking News - Steve Kerr's Got Gigantic Balls

2008-02-06T10:35:00.000-08:00

I'm a Phoenix Suns fan. I'm a bigger fanboy for the Suns than I am of any other sports franchise.

I am utterly confused.

Last night I attended the L.A. Meadowlands which is apparently the Lakers home court now (more on that later). On the drive home, I heard on WFAN that Shaq had been notified that he should be prepared to be relocated if a trade came up. My first reaction was "Pfft. Good luck". Then the report said that the Suns may have interest. My first reaction was "Please don't let this be what we end up trading for Marion." I put on ESPN when I got home. During NBA Fastbreak, Marc Stein came on and said Shaq was arranging for a flight to Phoenix for a physical the next day. It appeared as if this was actually going to happen pending a physical.

I instantly felt nauseous and couldn't sleep for a few hours. My (queesey) gut reaction to this deal was that it wreaks of a team bringing in an over the hill player in a move that will ultimately fail, a'la Mo Vaughn to the Mets, Kevin Brown to the Yankees, Roger Clemens last year, Chris Webber on the Sixers, Magic Johnson's attempt at a comeback when he was fat, Jordan on the Wizards, Scottie Pippen in Houston, Nique in Boston,....do I really need to go on?

I understand that Marion had to go. I don't understand how this was the best possible deal. I understand the idea that Shaq (in theory) could defend the paint, make outlet passes, draw in the defense to lead to more open 3 pointers, and allow Amare to move to the 4 where he should be more effective. I don't understand how Shaq will be able to do these things on a CHAMPIONSHIP level at this stage in his career. Theres a certain feeling of unsatisfying cheapness in this deal for a Suns fan. Shaq is one of the greatest players in NBA history. He's really the first and only MEGA star player that I've witnessed go from rookie, to champion, to over the hill in my lifetime being that I was too young to really witness Jordan's utmost beginnings. Its not everyday you get a chance to witness YOUR team bring in a player of that magnitude. For lots of people it doesn't happen during their entire lifetime of fanhood. But to bring Shaq to MY team at this stage in his career, is similar to getting to date the hottest chick from highschool, but when she's 40 and fat. I bet her vagina is ragged.

In an extremely out of character move, I will try to put a positive spin on this. Steve Kerr has some balls and I love it in a not gay way. Too many GM's in the NBA are balls-less, and not in the cool way that a chick has no balls either. These are honest to god dudes with no balls at all. If John Paxson shoved his balls in our face the way that Steve Kerr just did, the Bulls would have Pau Gasol right now, and the Lakers wouldn't have a stranglehold on the Suns' division (I'm scared). People thought Danny Ainge was crazy for teabagging everyone with his massive balls for years in Boston before he assembled the squad that's had the best record in the NBA this entire season. Look how great Danny Ainge's balls are now.

On the other hand, balls don't always do great things. Look at Isiah Thomas's balls for instance. You can smell them from any seat in The Garden.

My point is, the Suns have failed to get to the finals for 3 years with the Nash-Amare-Marion three headed monster. Thats 3 heads for 3 years with 0 conference championships. Steve Kerr saw this and decided to take action. I admire that. I probably would have done the same thing in NBA 2k (I traded Gerald Wallace after he hit a game 7 NBA title buzzer beater, I'm cold blooded). Also, GOOOOOODBYE MARCUS BANKS CONTRACT!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEE! Contractually, this works out great for the Suns in my opinion. In 2 years, after Shaq's contract is done, and Nash retires, we'll have a ton of cap room to sign pieces to go along with Diaw, Amare, and Barbosa (this trade will also benefit Boris Diaw's game I believe, which is great cuz he's French, so its crazy how he can smoke ciggerettes and still be a pro athlete). Suns are in good shape for the post-Nash era with this trade. I really do believe that. Its on the floor that I'm concerned, because Kerr is obviously hoping this will get them over the hump for the limited time he knows he has left with Nash.

Another positive, is apparently the Suns have super duper medical folks and physical trainers in the desert. Nash hasn't lost a step at 34 somehow and Grant Hill has only missed time because of his appendix as opposed to his ankles, legs, knees, arms, balls, whatever. If these miracle witch doctor magicians can get the most out of those 2 guys, I have to HOPE and PRAY that they can squeeze a 3rd of a season and a playoff run out of the diesel.

And by the way, fuck Shawn Marion. Being the highest payed player on a championship caliber team with the game's best set-up man, multiple all star appearances, and millions of adoring Suns fans wasn't enough eh? Goodbye. Have fun playing on the worst team in the league. I'm sure Dwayne Wade will let YOU be a first option on offense. Good luck with getting the ball from Ricky Davis. Maybe you and Joe Johnson can make out next time you play Atlanta.

Balls.

Joe Buck = Aids

2008-02-05T11:49:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to the New York Giants!!!! They looked downright incredible and destiny bound while winning the super bowl in what is easily the biggest upset in sports during my lifetime. This year was actually the first year I followed the NFL attentively (mainly due to a need to educate myself to sustain my 1st place fantasy football team, sorry Zack) and I found myself rooting for the Giants most of the season as I do not have a favorite football team. I would have become an official fan this season, if not for the rule I made up which states one cannot pick a team as their favorite team until 3 years after their last championship. Failure to abide by this rule makes you a bandwagon jumper-onner, and as a Yankee fan I hate those (the first year I secretly root for the Giants to win it all, they do so. Dear die-hard-lifetime NY Giants fans - YOU'RE WELCOME) . Gloating aside, there is one thing I hate more than bandwagon fans. These thing is Joe Buck.

The biggest play of the game, and arguably super bowl history, was the combination of Eli Manning escaping 50 sacks, and then throwing the ball literally hundreds of inches down the field, and into the hands and head of David Tyree (who I'd never heard of before this game). This play will be replayed for about 50 years, and will inevitably attain a nickname before the end of this month. Some are calling it "The Great Escape", I prefer to call it "Even God Hates Bill Bellicheck". I'm sure most of you were cheering so insanely when this play happened that it drowned out the TV, to the point where you didn't even get the "privilege" of hearing Joe Buck call the play with the excitement and enthusiasm of calling a routine ground out by Tike Redman.

Why do you do these things Joe buck? To quote Michael Scott, "I hate so much about what you choose to be". Its common knowledge that Joe Buck may be the worst human being ever invented. Buck is as evil as Joba is handsome. My outrage resulting from his call of this play motivated me to do a little research on Joe Buck. What I found out is the following.

-Joe Buck UnFun Facts-

he does not allow his children to play with toys, only jagged rocks and shards of glass
the pungent stench that emanates from his face can be seen as a giant cloud from space
the cloud is shaped like a middle finger
he was once seen by a tourist making out with Mel Gibson's father at Auschwitz
he skins puppies to make himself slippers, he also throws these slippers out after only one use, sometimes less
he enjoys italian food, video games, and making people unhappy
he doesn't recycle, instead he finds the nearest poor family with the cutest children and dumps his trash on their laps
Bobby Knight once met Joe Buck, after meeting him, he told a close friend "that guy is a very unpleasant asshole"
he once showed up at an elementary school production of "Oklahoma" wearing a t shirt that said "Cell Phones don't cause cancer, I cause cancer"
he hates the Yankees
Troy Aikman stated that during the super bowl, Buck asked him several times if he could use one of his super bowl rings as a cockring for his meeting with Dick Chaney later that night
he doesn't believe Roger Clemens is innocent
he doesn't wipe his butt
he's the real murderer from the OJ case
has supplied nuclear weapons to Syria, Iran and Microsoft
he's a morning person
Favorite movie - "Almost Heros"
he personally claims responsibility for World War 1
he doesn't think I'm all that great

There you have it.

this is a joke, don't sue me for libel, thanks

Keep on Truckin........FOREVER!

2007-12-20T12:19:00.001-08:00

So today, I was roaming around Rutgers Campus aimlessly on my lunch break which I often find myself doing. It sure beats going out and actually getting lunch. Anyway, I had the radio tuned to 1050 AM to listen to ESPN radio as I drove, which is important because I don't wanna miss anything. If Curt Schilling has a heart attack, I want to know as early as possible so I can start planning the victory party for God. But I digress.

So on ESPN radio, a commercial for the Toyota Tacoma comes on. In said radio spot, the aptly official sounding radio announcing pro narrated the catchphrase "With the Tacoma, the adventure NEVER ENDS!"

I was taken back by this fact.

Like, seriously, that sounds terrible. I can only imagine the ways in which the Tacoma ensures an adventure is happening. I get flats in the middle of the ghetto section of Jersey City? Everytime I go to get my keys I have to fight a panther? My gas tank explodes? My GPS constantly takes me on routes that include cliffs, ravines, giant rolling boulders, and jungles? Do I have to fight off carjackers on a daily basis? I need details.

If I'm going to drive a vehicle every day, there is inevitably going to be days that I'm really not up for an adventure. I don't want to be half awake on my morning commute and have to fight transformers just because I bought a car with a misleading promise of constant adventures. I can just picture myself fighting through rush hour traffic while trying to out maneuver a swarm of killer bee's and screaming "WHEN WILL THIS ADVENTURE ENDDDDDDDDDDDDDD?"

I remember about 4 years ago, me and my rapping cohort Solar went to an art store because he decided he wanted to paint or some shit. When we got up to the checkout counter and had the friendly employee scan the bar codes and all that jazz, Solar found out he did not have his wallet with him. When we informed the cashier of this predicament he responded with "Thanks for the adventure". Could you imagine if THAT adventure never ended? Solar still wouldn't know where his wallet was, the poor cashier would still be ringing up the canvases, and I'd still be giving Solar rides that never had any productive or tangible destination.

Fuck you Tacoma. Fuck you hard.

Canada - Pal Sitting On Our Shoulders or Man Eating Toupe?

2007-10-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

For reasons non existent other than boredom and the severe oddballness that exists in my DNA, me and my brother had a debate over the pro's and con's of Canada.

my brother: canada really sucks
me: i dunno
my brother: have they ever been in a war?
me: they produced some pretty cool stuff. see zack
this is why you're so lost in life.
if anything, not being in a war, is a positive thing that a country can do, not a negative
my brother: THIS is not why i'm lost in life. there are plenty of other reasons why instead of not knowing much about canada
me: lol
me: well u said they have no wars like thats a bad thing
my brother: yeah.. but if they've never been in a war then how do they know what they are capable of
me: thats a bad perspective
my brother: every country has wars
me: lol
me: not canada
my brother: exactly
me: u just disproved your own point
me: lol
my brother: so they can't even be a country
me: lol
my brother: why doesn't someone just go and take them over
my brother: really.. it's a big piece of land, there would be no resistance
me: if we left bush in office long enough
my brother: lol
me: i'm sure we'd get to that
me: but
my brother: one day
me: lets discuss the pro's and cons of canada
me: and see who can come up with more
me: pro - steve nash came from canada
my brother: a bunch of canadians are gonna come down to america on a surprise attack and just go nuts
my brother: con- it's really cold
me: pro - there are no wars
my brother: con- they can't figure out what language they speak up there
me: pro - free healthcare
my brother: con- there national symbol is a leaf
me: pro - they are america's hat, and hats are pretty cool
my brother: con- they are american's toupee and toupee's are really not cool
me: pro - mike myers, who's done some cool movies
my brother: con- avril lavigne came from canada.. and that bitch just annoys the shit out of me with her shitty music
me: pro - terrance and phillip are funny
my brother: con- terrance and phillip came from america technically... they are not real and are created by americans making fun of canada
my brother: so that's why there funny
me: u got me there
my brother: haha
me: pro - maple syrup, wtf would u put on pancakes without it?
my brother: con- canada sucks
me: pro - it doesn't
me: i guess we'll never know the answer to this

Joba Chamberlian - better than Jesus? Yes

2007-09-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

Joba Chamberlain

We all know he's a great guy.

BUT....

is he better than Jesus?????

Consider the following facts about Joba Chamberlain:

He throws baseballs really fast
Unlike a man with a similar name, Jaba The Hut, he has legs
He is magic
He once saved a whole fleet of babies from a burning building just by throwing fastballs at it
He found Bin Laden several weeks ago
He invented the internet
Kanye West lost an MTV award to him
He's not as fat as Tyra Banks
Wears number 62 because its the number of diseases he's cured (by throwing baseballs at them)
He's not OJ Simpson
He's developed a combustion engine that runs on nothing but the sense of joy people get by thinking about Joba Chamberlain
He's an excellent tipper
His trusty sidekick, Shelly Duncan, made this picture happen

the hold up on the rock the bells part 2 blog

2007-08-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

yea its gonna be a minute

i've started writing it...but its really really long...i'm only through the first act and its insanely long already.....my apologies for the wait, and for how long its going to take to read.....

but its insightful....word

to hold you over....here's a picture of a puppy eating an ice cream cone

Proof that some Frat Boys are gay

2007-08-03T11:08:00.001-07:00

So I was reading the daily bullets at ESPN.com's TrueHoop (Great NBA blog, which can be found here) and the writer Henry Abbot linked to a story in the LA times, about gay athletes and how the attitudes towards and the perception of gays (are you allowed to say "gays"? I'm sure thats probably offensive for some reason, no idea why. If someone called me and my girlfriend "straights", I'd have no problem with it) has changed in our country over the years (that article can be found here, now that I've given credit for the chain in which I found this article, I can actually get to my point,.... fear of stealing....eased).

This quote from the article, struck me as interesting. Its from John Ameachi, a former mediocre NBA player who has elevated beyond mediocre player level fame due to him comming out of the closet earlier this year (Tim Hardaway was not pleased).

"A bunch of shirtless frat guys playing volleyball recognized me and started yelling," he said. "They were saying that they love what I'm doing."

Need I say more?

Rock The Bells NYC - Heaven And Hell - Part 1 (the hell part)

2007-07-31T11:08:00.000-07:00

(Yes, I know its silly to have part 1 of the blog be the hell part, being that "hell" is listed second in the "heaven and hell" title. But, I'm not one to start with the good news when there's bad news. Plus I haven't had a cigarette in almost 48 hours, so I'm feeling a bit negative. More blogging on that soon)

Some bloggers are giving you the behinds the scenes/press pass/VIP access version of the Randall Island's Rock The Bells concert in NYC this past weekend. I, however, am a man of the people (sup) and am prepared to give you a 2 part account on what went well and what went wrong, from the perspective of a fan without a press pass or backstage access, or sleeves on his shirt. Today's entry will be what went wrong this Saturday. I attended Saturday's version of the event, being that i was very excited to get tickets when I heard about the event and purchased them before Sunday's event existed, which brings me to point number 1.

First off, fuck guerrilla nation or whatever the hell the "organization" who put this horribly run, downright dangerous, and hellish event on is called. For those of us who purchased our tickets all extra early back in May, you basically kicked us in the ballz by adding Rakim, MF Doom AND Boot Camp to Sunday's event but not Saturday's (also Erica Badu but, really who cares about that). It pretty much said "fuck you", to those of us who bought tickets early. Really, we appreciate it.

Second off, I don't know who Randall is, but I fully expected to be greeted by him when I walked onto his Island. "Hey guys, I'm Randall, enjoy your time on my Island" would have sufficed. My desire to meet this Randall does not stem from a burning need to thank him. No. I just really wish I had some face I could hold accountable for that stupid fuckin Island.

After the show (which was the heaven part, aka not this blog) we all piled into a mass mob of confusion and tried to exit the place. For some reason, barriers were set up around the main stage area. In fact there were 2 sets of barriers. Why? I have no fucking idea. Originally we figured you couldn't drink that close to the stage. Found out later that was wrong. I'd love to come up with a long list of humorous suggestions as to what these barriers were for, but I'm simply not that creative. There simply seemed to be no rhyme or reason for them, and all they really did, was create a long line of people waiting to get to the main stage area, and then AGAIN when they wanted to leave the main stage area. So as soon as Rage got off stage, about 10,000 people were all trying to get to the little entrance point that these barriers created. Great planning from the ass-fucking-shit-eating-pooper-scooper-sniffing-and-smiling-while-sniffing-poop-people at Guerrilla Nation. (but really, if I ever blow up enough to perform at rock the bells, I didn't write that, it was a ....something else that isn't me).

So after the pushing and shoving ended (security was a real big help, watching us with their eyes and stuff, great job, the 1 to 50 billion people security ratio didn't really help the mass exodus at all) , we finally made it out to where our cab initially brought us to the island, only to find out there were no cabs to bring anyone home. We figured parking at my brothers apartment in Astoria, being that its only a few miles from Randall's Island, would be a perfect idea to make our transportation easier on everyone. We were attending an outdoor event with 40,000 people and alcohol after all. Surely some cab company would realize there'd be literally thousands of potential customers waiting at the end of this concert, and would thus line up all around the parking lot at said island. WRONG we were!!! I don't know the reason for this. So, instead of hunting down a cab to take us the 2 or 3 mile trip back to where our car was, we walked around Randall's Island aimlessly for about 2 hours, with our thumbs shoved up our asses, while contemplating our options:

Walk over the Tri-boro bridge back into queens, risking dehydration, passing out, getting run over by cars, and certain molestation by other concert-goers who found us passed out. (we tried this option at one point but were told not to walk up the on-ramps to the highways, in retrospect, good advice)
Mass suicide
Hunt down and murder the families of every Tri-boro Bridge Authority officer that gave us horrible and completely wrong directions to the pedestrian walk-way back to queens.
Accept the fact this was our new home, set up shop and live off the land.
Find Zach DeLaRocha and start the revolution.

Eventually our thumbs would not fit up our asses comfortably any longer and we decided on option 6 - Take the free bus back to queens that - a) we couldn't find for several hours, b) not one bridge authority figure told us about before they gave us awful directions to somewhere else, c) would have probably had a 2 hour wait to get on if we found it right away anyway.

We took the bus back to Queens, but fairly far from my brothers house in Astoria. I believe it took us to woodland or woodward or wood somethin or other (I don't know of any other parts of queens besides Astoria, the QB, and Shea Stadium, sue me) . We managed to find the most incompetent asshole cab driver in the city to take us back to Astoria. I was able to figure out he was deserving of such a prestigious title based on his taking us to 28th street when I clearly told him 28th ave (yea, Queens is really stupidly mapped out by the way. "Meet me at the corner of 28th ave, 28th street, and where they meet up with 28th place" is not a joke. That phrase has been uttered by someone who lives in queens at some point. No offense to the residents of Queens, but your boro makes no damn sense) So, yea that guy was a fuckin idiot. Hopefully, he crashed after dropping us off.

So after a dope all day concert event, it took us over 3 hours to travel about 3 miles. Our legs were tired, our feet were in severe pain, and our clothes were covered in the sweat of 1,000's and probably a little dirt. In retrospect, it was ALMOST all worth it. Never again will I go to Randall's Island. Die Randall. Die.

part 2, the heaven part, comming soon.........

Everytime You Blog About The Sopranos, David Chase Makes Baby Jesus Weep

2007-06-11T11:57:00.001-07:00

Stop it.

You're all falling for it.

The lazy cop out ending to the Sopranos last night was designed to do exactly what it has done, open the floodgates of controversy and generate discussion in a way that a legitimately creative ending to the series never could have done.

David Chase tricked you. Accept it and move on.

I can appreciate the efforts of those too smart for their own good all over the internets that are currently trying to justify the ending as something more than it was. Lazy. Most people who enjoyed the ending are up in arms screaming "Well you just wanted a typical Scarface Mob Movie ending with blood and violence! Thats not the sopranos! AHEHAHEH~!!!!!" No. Thats not really anyone's gripe here.

Most are trying to justify no ending by claiming it to be a stellar left field act of artistry. Let me see if I can apply it to

Monique Is Fat Vol. 1

2007-06-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

Recently I made a mix CD for myself which probably very odd to those not familiar with my musical tastes. Really...its all over the place. Due to boredom and a the theme of the day being utter disdain for my dayjob, you get to read all about it. I promise it'll be more entertaining than whatever you're doing at YOUR dayjob (unless you have a real cool job like lion tamer or Allen Iverson's weed carrier).

First, the title - Monique Is Fat Vol.1. When I finished burning the CD, I needed a title and looked up at the TV to find that my girlfriend was watching Flavor Of Love's charm school. It was humorous being that we just finished watching Celebrity Fit Club (I find vh1's reality TV programming to be incredibly fascinating for a host of reasons, thats a whole nother blog, yea i know nother isn't a word), which has really been struggling to locate an abundance actual FAT celebrities the last few seasons (actually, a more accurate description may be, actual fat celebrities that are washed up enough to need the paycheck and want the embarassment). The irony that Monique is hosting a show directly after the show thats supposed to help people lose weight is impossible to escape. After this rolled around my brain like a tuna can on a pirate ship floor (woa) for a minute, our compilation had a title.

Now in an act of extreme cliche'd Hip Hop bloggnyess, I will type out the tracklisting (basically random songs I thought I'd like to listen to in the car a lot for the next few months). I will comment on them where I deem necessary.

1.Louis Logic - Who The Fuck Are You?
2.RZA and Last Emporer - He Lives! (produced by Prince Paul) - this is a great song that was left off Lyricist Lounge vol. 2 I believe, which is a shame. I have to assume it was for sample reasons. Very very fresh stuff about RZA being a mad scientist who just pieced together and brought Last Emp alive to...well save hip hop or something.
3.Non Phixion - Refuse To Loose
4.Non Phixion - I Shot Reagen - not sure why this turned into a Non Phixion fest for a minute. These are both great tracks with Necro bodying the production on both songs. There's even a very tolerable verse from him on the latter track. A lot of people have been whining about Ill Bill's change in style lately, which is really just attributed to him screaming now. I've trying to convince people that his new style is just as good as the old, and really not all that different if you take away the screaming aspect, but listening to these, I think even I miss the old Bill.
5.Public Enemy - Air Hoodlum - This is a great slept on PE track about a basketball player who blows his knee out in college and turns to a life of crime due to his lack of a real education. Good stuff. Peep how many times the loop just completely changes to a completely unrelated sample to the last loop but still manages to flow seamlessly. Bomb Squad are top 5 production team ALL TIME. Buh'leedat.
6.Crustified Dibbs - Every Record Label Sucks Dick - Awesome song. Wish a better quality version than the rip I have existed.
7.Redman - R.E.D. - I'm not even 100% sure this is the title of this song. I think its off DJ Clue's "The Professional" volume 2. I didn't like that compilation too much besides this or I'd probably remember exactly what it was.
8.Drag-On and Twista - Twisted Heat - Why I love this song is beyond my own scope of reasoning. The one beef I have with it is when the beat speeds up for the last verses, Twista actually SLOWS DOWN his cadence to ride it. Which is acceptable, but when the whole point of the song seems to be "hey lets rap all fast" I would have liked to hear Twista double up the cadence to fit the switch rather than just slow it down to compensate. PS. Bitching about technical aspects of rapping is the killed hip hop is dead.
9.RZA, Cappadonna, Method Man - Wu Wear - Only RZA could make a doorbell sound fit into a musical piece seamlessly.
10.Boot Camp - Headz Are Ready - I'm not sure how this made it on my mix, I don't even really like this song much.
11.Brad Luck - verse over "ONE" by ghostface - This is insanely old and I'm probably the only one that would listen to this. Brad himself wouldn't even like this. Its funny to hear him spit battle lyrics fused with shouts out to his homies in the pokey. Not sure why, but it is.
12.Cage - Too Much (J Zone remix)
13.C Rayz Walz - Whodafuckareyou? - Not sure how 2 songs with almost the same title ended up on here. "I'll take a shit in your house.....and blame it on your moms!" Hip Hop doesn't get any better than that. I could write 8 pages about how great this song is.
14.Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince - Live At Union Square - Exhibit A in the case that Jazzy Jeff was a good 10 years ahead of every other DJ on earth at the time. Every aspiring MC OR DJ should be forced to have the words and cuts memorized to this song or be shot from a catapult. Its also fun to hear Will Smith when his voice had barely finished changing.
15.El P and Aesop Rock and Ill Bill - Delorian/Simian Drugs mix - John Culpry made this and hit me off with it years ago. Basically in the middle of Delorian when abilities is cutting up Simian Drugs, he drops in Simian Drugs in its entirety, then goes back into the end of Delorian. Very enjoyable indeed. Freeze Dried Poltergeist. Just add water.
16.Jaz O - Its Ova! - When this first came out I remember some people (read: idiots) who thought Primo produced this. How anyone could draw that conclusion is beyond me.
17.KRS One - I Got Next / Neva Hadda Gun - Great song(s). Why it wasn't just 2 different songs on the CD makes as much sense as anything I guess.
18.Last Emporer - Secret Wars (Prince Paul Remix) - This might as well be the official version of this song, cuz who listens to the original mix anyway? No one thats who.

thats it......over 70 minutes of random shit I enjoy listening to. Great. In an act of not-so-cliche'd bloggyness, there will be no link to an .rar file containing this mix for the readership. I can't be bothered.

Time 4 (Basket) Ballsyness

2007-06-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

The NBA finals are here!!! During recent years this would be no reason to get excited, but now that we've narrowly escaped the dreaded ratings killing, sleep educing, NBA popularity executing, defensive pitchers duel that would have been Detroit Vs San Antonio part 2, we already owe Lebron James one thank you.

I'm going to venture out of my normal play it safe NBA prediction realm, and make a real ballsy prediction. The Cavs will win the NBA championship!

Why am I so confident? Truth be told, I'm not. Not at all. The Spurs are an unbeatable, unenjoyable monster. My girlfriend has recently developed a rather hostile dislike for the Spurs, partially due to me suckering her into watching Suns playoff basketball this year. She is no basketball expert, or even fan really, but has still managed to develop a bitter distaste for San Antonio. They're simply not a likable team. It starts with Tim Duncan, who despite being incredible on the basketball court, is just not exciting or pleasing to the eye. They call him "the big fundamental" for a reason, and fundamentals don't put asses in the seats or ratings in the Neilson boxes (or ratings in the seats and asses on the Neilson boxes, which the Neilson people do not advocate).

Then it goes on to Bruce "The Things I Pull in the NBA Would Get Me Massive Beat Downs if I Ever Tried To Pull Them In A Pickup Game" Bowen. If slyly attempting to injure exciting star athletes and then acting like you have no idea what they're talking about when they get pissed was exciting basketball, we'd all be rocking Air-Bowen's and trying to step on our co-workers ankles, which most of us aren't (Starbury's are way cooler than whatever Bowen's rocking, sheeit). Then there's the flop-a-thon between Oberto and Ginobli (who by the way are also a huge turn off to the female population of casual finals watchers aka forced to watch by their boyfriends, you can almost hear a collective groan of frustration from the female viewing population when one of them step in front of Tony Parker for 3 seconds, he's cute so I hear, plus he's french which means he smokes cigarettes, so thats always good).

In all reality I give the Cavs a 0-3% chance of having a shot at winning this series. But here's the kicker. I also gave them about the same odds to beat Detroit. I also thought Golden State had 0 chance at getting past Dallas, nor did I think there was a chance of Chicago sweeping Miami. All basketball logic is out the window at this point (OK , maybe not "all", but at least half). So my balls out in the open prediction is that Lebron James will have no fewer than 2 incredible games and will lead his team to victory over the Spurs, marking his rise to the top of the NBA and thus ressurecting its fanbase (on a side note, Harry, the friendly Indian sandwhich maker at my local Quick Stop who also loves to discuss NBA basketball everytime I stop in for a Redbull, has this thing where due his not so experienced grip on the English language, he calls the Spurs the "Supers". The guy is a huge Nets fan to the point of unrealistic expectations. I get the impression he came to America and was just so blown away by American sports that he became a super duper fan the moment he found out the NBA existed. Our basketball discussions have ranged from me trying to convince him the Nets probably weren't going to win it all this year, to him earlier in the year proclaiming that Jason Kidd could "go to hell" when the Nets were in the midst of a losing streak. Great guy that Harry.)

ATTENTION:Youtube Assholes

2007-05-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

Hi.

For everyone who makes videos on youtube that consist of a collection of still pictures....

you do realize you're completely missing the point right?

Get a photobucket account and leave the youtube-ing to people who actually edit VIDEOS....fuckin jerkoffs.

me and my brother discussing kevin durant

2007-05-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

me: wow
did you know the only player to score more points than Durant as a freshman in NCAA history is Chris Jackson?
Zack: haha
that's pretty funny
hopefully durant ends up better than him
me: haha yea
i'm watching durant highlights right now
he's gonna be incredible i think
i dunno who the fucks gonna gaurd him
he can dribble like a 2 and can shoot from anywhere over anyone
Zack: yea.. he's really long too
me: thats a pretty gay thing to say, zack
Zack: lol
lengthy
me: still gay

Wrist Approved Money Saving Tips

2007-05-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Lets face it. You need money. MMMMM Delicious delicious money. The root of all evil but the cure for all problems. MMMM. I know a lot of you are struggling to make ends meet in todays ipod a minute, super-robot house cleaning, virtual reality boxing world. Have no fear! The Wrist is here to outline a few very usefull and easy money saving tips that will save you money in the hundreds every month! Without wasting more time (and money, time = money) lets get to it!

1.Sleep More - When people are awake they constantly spend money. Money for gas to get somewhere, food to eat, electricity to run your gadgets,etc etc. The American lifestyle is designed to make you want to consume constantly. One of the very few fail-safe ways to avoid being tricked into buying Lexus's and Cereal every hour when watching TV, is to sleep. You don't need to spend money when you sleep what so ever. If you can increase your amount of time spent sleeping by a mere 4 to 5 hours a day, you can save tons of money. Then you can spend your savings on cooler things to sleep on, like hammocks and bean bag chairs. If you can't force yourself to sleep, have a friend (or enemy) knock you out a few times a day.

2.Quick Dash Out Of Quick Stop - This one isn't for fat people, but next time your at a convenience store insist on paying by debit card. Give the cashier your card, and when they hand you the receipt to sign, run out the store like Rosie O'Donnel after a slice of lesbian-pizza (ok maybe this will work for fat people). If the receipt isn't signed, the bank cannot make the charges to your account, thus you will never have to actually pay for that pack of gum and box of condoms eating away at your wallet every week. It isn't technically stealing because the store clerk already gave you a bag.

3. Become A Nudist - Clothing prices are outrageous these days. If your boss gives you shit about comming to work with your no no's showing, make up some religious excuse, like "this is how god made me" or claim that the only reason your boss isn't cool with the new attire is that he envies your penis size. Trust me it works.

4. Become A Contract Dane Cook Killer - Lots of people are annoyed by Dane Cook. If you can find like 20 of them (just look anywhere where the main population isn't homosexuals or girls in their early 20's and it'll be easier than turning off a Dane Cook special) convince each of them that you've been hired to destroy Dane Cook but you're just a few bucks short of having it done. They'll throw money at your feet at this point. If these people come to you later asking why he hasn't been taken care of, turn to them and say "hey wait a minute, are not YOU Dane Cook?????????". That'll be the end of that.

.........part 2 to these tips comming soon

If Richard Jefferson Wasn't Gay, He Is Now

2007-05-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

I'm guilty.

Guilty of loving the NBA Playoffs this year to the point of obsession, but neglecting to write any blogs about it. I promise I will step it up. I also promise to apologize profusely after my promises are broken and forgotten about.

I don't have a crapload to say at this very second, but I wanted to share this highlight before I forgot it existed. It is now immortalized in blog form.

Good God. Sad part is, this is one of the very few seconds of dominant basketball that Chris Bosh has played this post-season. Sorry Raptor fans.

Senility Is No Excuse

2007-04-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've heard about the Don Imus fiasco in the news right now so I'm not going to bother typing out the back story (its called google, use it...although if you live in a cave dark enough to have not heard of this news story, I assume its also very possible you don't use google, but I digress). I normally refrain from weighing in on the more popular new stories out of fear for clichéd repetitiveness, but being that my father listened to Don Imus's radio show any time I was in the car with him during the AM hours, and that I'm an employee of the University in question, I feel the need to shed a little light on whats going on.

First things first, I don't listen to Don Imus very often. On occasion when I'm flipping through the radio dials on my way to work I'll check it out for a few minutes, but I'm no fan. In fact, I'm a huge Howard Stern fan which virtually makes it impossible to be an Imus fan. I've drawn up a chart for those who are confused so far.

Lets continue.

I dislike Don Imus. Not because of his remarks towards the Rutgers Women's Basketball team, no matter how racist or sexist they were. No. NO!

I dislike Don Imus simply for the fact WFAN could fill his slot with something that wasn't completely boring, unfunny, unlistenable and irritating. When I'm on the way to work there's very few options to begin with. Opie and Anthony are hit or miss, and the void created by Howard Stern and Starr and Buckwild's absence from regular radio has left me no choice but to occasionally drop by Imus's broadcast. Its a waste of my energy, but I keep checking anyway. I dislike the guy because his radio show stinks.

Regardless, being the son of an Imus fan, I have heard countless hours of his programming. For those of us in the know, this whole issue has been very mind bottling (I recommend Blades Of Glory by the way, seeing Craig T Nelson portray a figure skating coach is worth the price of admission alone, not that I payed to see it). Wondering WHY on earth THIS remark has been the one to set off such backlash and outcry against Imus causes me to experience levels of confusion matched only by an Imus-aged individual trying to put content on an mp3 player. Don Imus has been making comments this offensive about every single race, sex, religion, and nationality for over 20 years. It kind of makes me feel like all I'm learning through all this, is that Al Sharpton either had no idea that Don Imus existed before this week, or really really really really likes women's NCAA basketball.....a lot more than i do (this last sentance was a joke, please don't expose me Al Sharpton, everything in parenthesis is NOT a joke, I'm on your side really, leave me out of this :-( ).

I'm not defending Imus's remarks what so ever, but its kind of funny that it took me a few days into this story to understand what people were so offended by. In all seriousness, 16 years of being a Hip Hop fanatic has desensitized me to the word "ho" to a degree where I actually had to let the fact that people find it offensive sink in for a few days before I understood it. Does that make it right? Of course not. Just a fun little factoid.

Once I finally understood what was offensive part was, I started pondering a piece of information thats been glaringly omitted during this crises. Don Imus has gotta be pushing 70 something by now. I mean look at the fuckin guy...I'm sure most of you have at least 1 or 2 grandparents that appear to be in better shape than Don Imus has been in the last 15 years. I'd also be willing to bet, that most of you have or have had grandparents that say things more racist and ignorant than anything Don Imus said.

Why isn't there an outcry against racist old people? Because, at some point people just look at senior citizens and think "awwww he's old and confused, thats just the time he's come from, thats just how he was raised....lets put him to bed early before he upsets the neighbors". Its time to give Don Imus the same treatment. He's ancient and out of touch... and he's going to piss off your dinner guests at some point.

Its time to take Don Imus off the air. Not because he's a bigot. Not because there's no place in our society for racial humor. But because he's way too old for this. And for the love of god, stop letting that guy put cancer kids on a cattle ranch.

"Hey Jimmy, since you have cancer we got you a very special gift! You get to go spend the summer on a cattle ranch with Don Imus!"

"Who?"

(editors note - I have absolutely no Idea why the 2nd half of this blog is in bigger text than the first half...I tried to remedy it, I failed...I can't be bothered to fuck with it anymore...fugg it!!!)

These Dollars Are The Same Size!

2007-04-05T07:12:00.000-07:00

Let me start this off by explaining to you foreigners (not from NJ) that in the state of New Jersey, it is ILLEGAL to pump your own gas. Everything is full service. I'm not sure what the reasoning behind this is, but it has a bonus effect of providing me with laughter and joy every time I go out of state with someone who's lived their whole life in Jersey, when they can't figure out how to fill up. I can see how the process might seem easy and pointless to me being a native New Yorker for the first 18 years of my life, but the fact the instructions are right there on the pump give me the pass to laugh and laugh when the born-jersians are struggling.

This brings me to the point of this snoop bloggy blog. A few days ago I'm sitting in my car getting 10 dollars worth of Sunoco's finest (unleaded) into my truck (Toyota Echo) and waiting for the guy (man) to come collect my 20 and give me my change.

Upon handing the kind gas servant my 20 dollars, he responded with "Do you have anything smaller?" Yes. Yes I do. In fact I have literally thousands of 10 dollar bills stuffed into my glove compartment, but I get my jolly's by going from gas station to gas station and conning them into giving me their 10 dollar bills as change for my 20's. I love it. I can see why it seemed unresonable and shocking that I'd have a 20 on me. I doubt anyone ever tries to pay for 10 dollars worth of gas with a 20 expecting the gas station to have change. The state of utter shock and frustration on his face was understandable.

I didn't want him to be wise to my 10 collecting heists, so my I pulled out a nickel and asked if it was small enough. Then he shot me in the face and I'm dead now.

Dane Cook? More Like Dane Sucks!

2007-03-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

Dane Cook really sucks.

Dane Cook really really really sucks.

If there's something that sucks more than Dane Cook, I'm not sure what it is.

If you're not a female under the age of 23 or a relative of Dane Cook's, there really is no excuse for not realizing that Dane Cook sucks.

If Dane Cook sucked any more than he does now, he'd have to change his name to Dane Sucky Suck Shit Sucker.

Its hard to imagine that Dane Sucky Suck Shit Sucker would be a person who actually sucks more than Dane Cook.

Dane Cook is in better shape than me. He still manages to suck.

Watching Dane Cook perform his stand up comedy is a lot like finding out you have brain cancer. Nothing funny about it, and if you live through it, you'll probably be dumber.

This is all I have to say on this topic.

Love,
Seth

The Geese Strike Back

2007-03-26T08:23:00.000-07:00

So, in my last blog post I talked about the abundance of Geese in my apt complex, the atmosphere of terror they create, etc etc etc.....

I concluded the blog stating that by exposing the danger of Geese, I should probably fear for my life. Well this morning I got in my car on the way to work, and what do I see on my passenger side window? A HUGE glob of Goose-poop.

A warning shot from these winged demons. The Goose population has made the biggest mistake of their lives by forcing me to swallow my fears and learn to confront them. If they want a war they got a war. I'm not stupid enough to broadcast my battle plans via cyberspace (lets face it, my blog readership is so vast and widespread that this would be the riskiest of maneuvers) BEFORE I carry them out, but I will broadcast this message:

Dear Geese,
You've had your time. Its bad enough you've rigged every national and local election for the past 100 years, created a standards and practices within our entertainment industry that has limited us to nothing but horrible horrible sitcoms and stupid movies since the early 60's(thats right, The World According To Jim is a Goose-created pile of dung in hopes they can dumb us down to ease their takeover), and now you want to own my blog? Well fuck you guys. I will not take this lying down. Give me liberty or give me death. One for all and all for one. When the going gets tough, the Geese will get their ACE kicked!!!!

Love, Seth

I'm sure you've all seen the movie 300 by now (sorry) and if the make-believe version of the Spartans can beat the Persians with only 300 soldiers in a completely imaginary battle, who's to say I can't carry out a war thats equally as boring and pointless? (you heard it here first, 300 is nothing but a cross between pointless action scenes from The Transporter 2 and a bunch of stupid spears and swords from Lord Of The Rings, the only difference is, The Transporter was actually entertaining)

Its a goose! RUN!!!!!

2007-03-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

For starters, let me apologize for the lack of bloggery lately. For whatever reason I was uninspired to write. Motivation stems out of a variety of emotion, wheather it be love, hatred, confusion, the pressure of making the blog you started on a whim one day while bored at work look like it actually serves some sort of purpose and contains an actual readership (shout out to my girlfriend, my brother, kags, and uhhh....whoever else reads these...that might be it....but odds are my brother could school you in madden, my girl can sing better than you, and kags has the youtube searching game on lock, so all in all, this is not a shitty readership), but THIS blog was inspired by something that motivates every man at some point in his life, has caused societys to crumble, and many a pants to be pee pee stained. Yes my friends (jerks), THIS blog was inspired by none other than FEAR!

For a lot of macho manly men like myself, its hard to admit you're afraid of anything. While I'll admit I'm most of the time a fearless rock of solidarity, that even the biggest Dallas Cowboys fan could set their haricut to (i think this is some kind of off-kilter King Of The Hill reference that I've completely rearranged and mixed with Grandpa Simpson's comment about how Johnny Unitas had a haircut you could "set your watch to", but at least i'm ruining my reference by explaining it, at least i don't fear my own self defeatest attitude. kiss my ass!) , but there is one thing that burns me up inside night in and night out. One aspect of our planet that really puts the fear of hell (which incidently I recently found out, Hell is actually a movie theatre, where all of your favorite classics have been edited to include Justin Timberlake as the main character, main love interest, AND sole composer of the score...Timbaland be damned) in me. Yes, ladies (skanks) and gentlemen (dudes), what I'm talking about, are GEESE!!!!

During the winter, my apartment complex is a beacon of safety. The Indian children that tend to dart out in front of cars at every turn are all inside playing Yu-gi-oh. But once springtime starts to roll around again, the children are skateboarding into your interesections, and the geese have returned from Florida! My complex is inhabited by.....ooooh.....I'd say 23 million full grown Canadian Geese. They're downright nasty. Sometimes they'll congregate in front of your doorway by the hundreds, and just wait for you to attempt to come home. One false move in the and these winged demonic abominations will be hissing, flapping their wings around all noisey-like, and sometimes even speaking in tounges.

I havn't been able to figure out what they want, but for some reason, geese are not afraid of people (or cars evidently, and they get out of the road quickly too.....eat a dick PETA) AT ALL! I'm not sure if this stems from dumb children feeding the geese people-food, or its a result of some deeper theological conspiracy going on. If God created everything on Earth, then Geese are from Mars, because there's no way these are the work of anything Holy. Think about it. What did Nazi soldiers do instead of plain old wholesome marching?

GOOSE-STEPPING!!! -------->

Who hasn't had the fear of waking up, turning over, looking over for they're wife, only to find feathers and goose poo poo on her pillow? I'll tell ya who. NO ONE thats who. Now, I'm not a praying kinda guy (is yelling "OH JESUS" whenever someone tells you someone else is about to do something incredibly stupid considered praying?) but if you are, I URGE you and everyone you love to pray for the geese not to take over YOUR apartment complex, community, ghetto, or living space. May God help us all. Let me rephrase: May God START helping us all, because if he didn't when he let these fuckers touch down on the 3rd rock. They fear no man, and I'm pretty sure they're watching me type this. If i'm not killed by a gaggle (look it up if you don't know it, fuckhead) as soon as I publish this hurr blog, then I'll be back to blog some more. Suspensefull is it not?

:-(

I really wish I lived in Alabama

2007-02-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

Since I started this blog, I've really wanted the central focus to be hip hop, but it hasn't really worked out that way thus far. I'm not sure what to account to that. Maybe I'm just not inspired to blog my opinions about who 50 cent is beefing with at the moment or which new indie album stinks. But then my homie Kags put me on to this video. I warn you, there's no way you will be able to change your life back to the state it was in before you watched this, so proceed with caution.

And there you have it....

I looked around the internets a bit and was able to find out that evidently this video was brought to the mainstream by sassy lesbian daytime talk show host Ellen Degeneres, but if you're one of the VERY FEW unlucky people who have to WORK when daytime TV is on, I figure you may have missed this.

I would say there's a very strong possibility this is long lost father of Detroit MC/Celebrity Fat Club contestant Bizzare,
BUT (and thats a very big but...actually, lemme remix that) BUT,
the man's ability to "rap" on beat (the TV dude, not Bizzare) makes me think there's probably no family relation.

Apparently, the man in the video, who I assume is the owner of this fabulous establishment, is named Sammy Stevens. Unfortunately, due more so to the current climate of hip hop than my own distrust, I'm going to have to address Mr.Stevens credibility as a hip hop artist. A huge underlying issue in hip hop today is MC's supposedly not living out their lyrics. I've even heard rumblings that Eminem really didn't kill his wife and that Nas isn't really a gun. I personally don't see the big deal, but it forces my hand into addressing Mr.Stevens's video. The Montgomery Flea Market is just like a mini mall? IS IT? To me, judging by your lyrics in the start of the song (living rooms! dinettes!!! OH YEA!) , and the images of your flea market, it doesn't seem anything like a mini mall at all! In fact it looks like a plain old furniture store to me! I really hope there isn't a tape floating around of Mr.Stevens conversing with some white people about how he's never even been to a mini mall. I also hope Benzino doesn't get a hold of this tape and publish it in Hip Hop Weekly.

But, lets not kill all hope. NO! This is a time for celebration! What I do hope is that one day I get to meet Sammy Stevens. After hours and hours of tireless research and looking at microfilm and swimming through a sea of card catalog's (36 seconds of google) I've learned that the Montgomery Flea Market is in Montgomery, Alabama.

This made me sad .
After hours and hours of tireless map reading and plotting (15 seconds on mapquest) I found out that its over a 16 hour drive from my mansion (not mansion) to the establishment.
SIGH
If anyone is down to take a few days off work to travel to Alabama during springtime to meet this guy, please holler at me. We can split the gas money. I'm assuming once Sammy Stevens sees the t shirts with his face on it, life size cutouts of him I've ordered, and bible I've re-written to include his name in place of Jesus, that he'll buy us dinner and let us crash either at his house or on one of the astonishing couches at the mini mall.

God bless you Sammy Stevens. Or should I say, Sammy Stevens bless us everyone.

Once you go Oprah.....

2007-02-05T11:23:00.000-08:00

A few random thoughts about the superbowl.....

Weren't Superbowl ads heavily hyped up years ago? I remember being in my early teens ( and or right before that, I don't know. I've done a lot of drugs) , and always being irritated by some people (read women) who didn't give a crap about sports remotely, yet were insistent on being at a mega-huge Superbowl party (to annoy their husband I assume) proclaiming "I watch for the commercials more than I watch for the game! They're really good during the superbowl!
They spend LOTS of money on superbowl ads! Did you know that?"

Yea! So anyway, I'm guessing these bitches all stopped caring about the Superbowl completely by this point right? When I was 10 years old or so, I seem to recall flocking to school to argue with the other school children about which Superbowl commercial was the best out of all of them, and how we couldn't wait to get out of middle school and into the corporate world so we could earn enough cash to buy the products and thus give the company more money to spend on even more spectacular Superbowl advertising!

So, less than 15 hours later, the only one I remember at all, was the one with David Letterman talking about how after the game he was gonna bag Oprah Winfrey without a rubber.

Best part is, that was a commercial for a tv show ON CBS, so no exuberant amount of money was even spent to put it on (I also doubt they had to spend any money on getting Oprah do to the spot either, because lets face it, when you're going to be neck-deep in David Letterman spunk after the game anyway, what would you even need money for?)

Also, the people that love to hate Peyton Manning, are going to hate him even more now. Its like the guy raped some people's mothers I swear to god. I've never seen one player get so much wrath for reasons I can't figure out at all. At least when juggernauts like Michael Jordan or Derek Jeter were hated by fans of other teams, they had a bunch of championships to wave in peoples faces. All Manning has done (until yestarday) is a lot of commercials (and break QB records, but why give props for that? pfft).

To conclude, this blog was pretty uninspired and I'm really just bored. But superbowl blah blahblahblahblah.

The Kwame Brown Laws

2007-02-02T06:29:00.000-08:00

I know this is old news to some of you, but I feel this story has gone way farther under the radar than it should. How this wasn't on the cover of every newspaper, spoofed on every late night talk show, and included in the state of the union address last week, I'll never understand.

You can read the original news blurb from espn.com here, but to make a bizzare story short, Kwame Brown (center for the L.A. Lakers, once drafted straight out of high school by some guy named Michael Jordan) ganked a man's 2 by 2 foot, 200 dollar birthday cake, and then THREW IT AT HIM. Can you say WTF? (not what the fuck, but whatever word WTF actually spells, can you pronounce that? if so, we gotta hang) This is by far the most odd story in the sports world since...since......uhhhh.....jesus christ, I'm not sure I even know. Actually, this is definately the most rediculous and logic defying story in the world of sports since the Mets won a world series. (zzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiingggggggggggggg!!!!!!)

The victim filed a police report the next day but no charges were brought against Brown.

Do you know what this means?

Its open season to start throwing desserts!!!!

THANK GOD!

I can't tell you the amount of times I've seen someone walk down the street with a cake, pie, box of cookies, some flan perhaps, or a Milky Way, and then gotten the UNCONTROLLABLE URGE to grab it and throw it at them.

But, lets be clear on the rules here. You can't just grab and throw someone's desert on them without reason. That'd be anarchy. So lemme break down the Kwame Brown laws.

Rule #1 - It has to be the victims birthday. This way people no longer have the age old mega-pussy, hippie- ass excuse for not assaulting them. "Ohhh please don't throw my cake at me, its my birthday! Please sir, I'm only 7, I wanna eat my cake! :-(" HOGWASH!!! This will keep people more on their toes during their birthday events, which will eventually lead to less birthday-related mishaps and fatalities.
Rule #2 - The dessert thrower cannot be a college graduate. I think the reasoning behind this is obvious. Who wants to throw dessert more than anyone? No, not Lutherans, but DOCTORS! Go to an emergency room late at night during the birthday season, and tell me you don't see person upon person there with dessert-inflicted injuries. We can't have doctors running around chucking pies at people to boost their business. Those money grubbing MD's have already gotten enough of our hard earned cash.
Rule #3 - No cameras may be present. Who wants to get dessert guts on their cameras? Not me.
Rule #4 - Your name must be Kwame. We can't have EVERYONE enjoying these loopholes. Just remember, if you run into ex-rapper turned just-under-the-radar producer Kwame, it'd help to be eating a Nutrigrain bar instead of Oreos. Thats all I'm sayin here.

So, there you have it. Happy tasty assaults for all!!!! (within the guidelines of the law, you fuckin fascists)

A small (read unimportant) introduction...

2007-01-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

Dear blog enthusiasts,

wait lemme start over.

Dear Whores,

nah thats mean...wait...

Attention Earth,
(word up) Hi. I'm Seth, better known to many as The Wrist. Those of you who don't know me (why you're reading this is beyond me) how the hell are ya? Those who do know me may be wondering why I started this blog...or why it's called what its called, or why anyone should bother reading it.

In short, there's no real reason I started this blog, other than the fact other people have blogs and I'm getting jealous of them having a pseudo intellectual side to them exposed to the world while I'm not doing shit to let cyberspace into my inner ramblings. Until now!!!!!!

So here it is, The Wrist's personal blogosphere. Presented in full, unedited by "THE MAN", and uninhibited by "MORALS" or "COMMON COURTESY". Why the title? For one thing its eye grabbing, for two things, a lot of you are whores. No no no, I'm not speaking of sexual favors in exchange for money or goods, haha, I laugh off such assumptions with naught but a barely audible titter! HA! I mean heh.

Basically "You're All Whores" is a testament to individuality and really being true to your own opinions and thoughts. I've noticed through my life that I tend to have a much easier time going against the grain of my peers, elders, and everyone in between, with an ease unmatched by many. I don't state controversial opinions because I get off on being different. I simply believe in the idea that everyone is different, so why on earth would we come to common ground as easily as most do? Everyone Whores themselves out one way or another. Weather its keeping certain sides of themselves hidden to their jobs, girlfriends, friends, family, etc etc. or maybe just because they're embarrassed by certain parts of their past.

Whatever it is, very very very VERY (caps and a 4th very for emphasis, revolutionary writing over hurrrrrrrr) few people in our country (I can only speak on the US, I havn't been able to travel all around the planet like some of you spoiled fucks) are representing their TRUE SELVES in their daily life. I'm guilty of it myself. I rarely divulge information about my personal life with my co-workers (yea underground rappers have day jobs, especially me, since calling myself an underground rapper instead of an aspiring underground rapper is a bold move in pretentiousness and bullshit on my part, I'm whoring myself already!) . Although I may have made some strides in de-whore-ifying (could my writing be anymore boundary breaking? pffft) myself since my parents know I've done a lot of drugs in my time, and there was no reason to let them know other than me shoving my true self in everyone's face.

And really, thats what this blog is about. I'm not as good a speaker as I am a writer, so I figured this was a good place to let my thoughts be displayed. Why the hell not? What will I be blizzoggin' about? Whatever the fuck really. The NBA, Hip Hop, life in general, how my girlfriend is the only one reading this drivel. Word up.

Welcome to my brain, you dirty dirty dirty slut.

- Wrist